small wedding

Grab a cup of tea and sit down to enjoy this beautiful love story. You know it’s going to be a good one when even their names are perfectly aligned never mind their stars. Phil and Sophie both studied Philosophy at Warwick university where they met. The word philosophy is literally a combination of their names – Phil (love of) and Sophia (wisdom). I mean how amazing is that? At uni Sophie was a cheerleader and Phil played American Football and they met at American-themed night out in a local pub. “We hit it off straight away and were debating Sophie’s vegetarianism in no time…something I’ve since adopted. In fact, we had an entirely veggie intimate wedding. So I guess we know who the more convincing philosopher is!”

Sophie is originally from Harrow in London and Phil grew up in Warton, a small village in Lancashire. They now both live in Putney, London. Although Phil never wanted to live in London as a teenager, he says “London has definitely grown on me”. Phil is currently a teacher of theology and philosophy at a local secondary school. Sophie is Culture Architect for an online benefits company which sees her looking after employees’ wellbeing and engagement. Despite a year of pandemic uncertainty, constantly changing restrictions they had a beautiful, joy-filled wedding in August 2020. These words and photos say it all!

What sort of wedding had you initially planned?

We had originally planned a wedding for around 100 people in the day and 120 in the evening at Gaynes Park in Epping. Our theme was woodland fairytale due to the children’s literature side of my PhD as well as nods to other, favourite childhood/fantasy stuff we both love. We had also planned lots of little puzzles and details for the day that the guests could engage with, incorporating our love of board games and escape rooms. On top of that, we both love music and singing (although Sophie is the one with all the talent…I’m tone deaf!) so we were going to have a live karaoke band in the evening so our guests could sing and dance the night away…and so we could have a first song rather than a first dance to kick off the evening.

What affect did the restrictions have on your plans?

Being the organisers that we are, by the time the wedding came around, we had a huge spreadsheet with every eventuality and contingency possible. Considering just 2 witnesses and nothing else, to the full-blown thing! Given everything that has happened, and as unlucky as we were to have had our wedding planned for a pandemic year, we are genuinely counting our blessings. We managed to get our wedding when we could still have 30 guests. We managed a sit-down meal, and we kept the wedding at our chosen venue, Gaynes Park.

The main adjustments were having to reduce numbers to 30 people. And of course, incorporating all the restrictions in the lead-up to the wedding and on the day. It was more difficult where things had already been paid for or deposits had been paid. And then completely re-thinking the evening – definitely no karaoke band since no singing or dancing was allowed!

How did you cope with all of the uncertainty and changes?

As part of her job, Sophie is always thinking about what’s known as the “change curve”. This is the idea that when people face change they tend to go through different stages and emotions. The beginning is a really negative downturn of denial or resistance. This eventually comes back up as they re-assess, explore and then commit to the change. People go through this at different paces and that was no different for us.

In fact, I think one of the trickiest things for us, and probably a lot of couples, was managing conversations about big changes. One of us had already committed to change and was trying to find the positives, but the other was still mourning the loss of what could have been. There’s no doubt about it, losing the original plan – something we’d put so much thought and effort into – was, and still is, experienced as a loss. Sometimes we just had to sit with the sadness as original dates went by (hen-do, stag-do, tastings, hair and make-up trials, etc.) rather than constantly try to find the positives. At other times we just had to pick ourselves up and find the joy that was present in our new plans.

The hardest parts though were definitely the uncertainty in the lead up. No one is designed for that level of stress! and “un-inviting” people. We decided to do the latter all in one night and call as many people as we could. Everyone was so lovely and responded really well. However, there were a lot of tears and it was a heart-breaking few hours. Throughout the whole journey, our friends and family were amazing. They couldn’t have been a better support network. We really appreciated the creative and inventive ways that everyone helped make the build-up experience special. We were treated with things like the virtual hen-do and sending flowers and hampers to us.

How did you make the day feel special despite the restrictions?

On the day, we kept as many of the “little touches” as we could. We had Sophie’s hand-painted fairytale table decorations, which made things feel magical in the way we’d originally wanted. Really though, the main thing that made the day feel so special was simply the fact that we’d made it there! We were getting married, on the day we had planned, with the people we love most. I hadn’t seen my family since Christmas, for example. Most people hadn’t been around more than a few other people in a social setting since before the first lockdown. There was some initial hesitation of being in a group. But the sheer relief and joy of dressing up, socialising with others and celebrating something positive made it an even happier and more enjoyable atmosphere than we could have imagined.

What did you miss most about having the big wedding you’d originally planned?

Undoubtedly, there were lots of people we wished could have been there. And we still can’t wait to celebrate with them properly. We’re thinking of throwing an anniversary party in a few years to make up for it! But it wasn’t necessarily the size of the wedding that made us feel like we missed out. It was more the restrictions around things like not having a live band or being able to dance, or requiring everyone to wear face masks. And, especially because we’re both planners and very organised, we had been looking forward to the prep and lead up to the day, so those things being disrupted was tough – especially when those moments of excitement were replaced with uncertainty or stress.

Were there any positives about having a smaller wedding?

Absolutely! First of all, with it being a smaller wedding we could afford an open bar (big hit!). Also, we couldn’t come close to hitting the “minimum spend” on catering for the venue with the numbers we had. This meant we got to upgrade all the food to their top tier package which everyone enjoyed.

Secondly, because of the restrictions, the venue invested in a webcam for the sites where we were having the ceremony and the speeches, so those special moments could be broadcasted to family and friends who would have otherwise missed them. It also meant we could watch the ceremony again without having to wait for our wedding film, so that was great!

Also, because of all the changes, we actually had a friend make the wedding cake for us instead of a company which was the best decision ever. She made a phenomenal creation and, because she was so worried about something going wrong, she’d created a back-up which she gifted to us after the wedding and which we feasted on for the next week or two!

Finally, and most importantly by far, the smaller wedding meant we got to spend a lot of quality time with every single guest and they all got to know each other really well. In fact, some of our friends who met that day are now good friends and some of our married friends commented that, out of everything, the quality time with guests was the one thing they wished they’d had more of at their own, larger weddings. Sophie’s eldest brother even commented that it had made him want this type of wedding in the future. The intimacy of the event is the thing that makes us look back, smile and not regret our decision to go ahead at all.

What made you choose Patchwork for your gift registry?

I had done a lot of research into gift registries, comparing prices, styles, etc., and I came across Patchwork via Bridebook. As soon as I saw it, I knew that it had something the others didn’t – it looked so funky and fun. There was a childlike joy to it which fit with our wedding and our outlook on life, and this extended to the mission statement and how the team was introduced on the website. The more I tinkered with our page, the more I loved the bespoke and personalised nature of it. We both found it to be the most engaging registry we could find and we had so much fun creating it.

That’s so good to hear! What did you invite guests to contribute towards?

We loved the idea of giving time and favours, and we did want to get more creative, but we’d already received so much love and service from friends and family we didn’t feel we wanted to keep asking for that. So we went down the route of contributing to the honeymoon and tried to create a good range of prices and options for anyone who did want to contribute – everything from “a wee dram” of whisky to helping us upgrade to first class on the train!

Did you need to make changes to your original honeymoon plans?

You could say that yes…we re-planned a week in New York to a long weekend in the Lake District! New York is on indefinite hold (although, like many people with pre-booked holidays, we still have a lot of money still tied up in it – gulp…finger’s crossed) but we’d been eyeing up a luxury hotel in the Lake District called The Gilpin for a long time so we thought let’s just do that instead. The Lake District is my favourite place in the world, throw in a hot tub, room service and Michelin-star meals…heaven!

And how was your trip to the Lake District?

We ended up staying four nights in one of the Gilpin’s “ultimate spa lodges”. Oh…my…goodness! We’ve never experienced luxury like it. Each of their lodges comes with its own hot tub, sauna, steam room, treatment room, pond, etc. The food, drink and service was top notch, the atmosphere was relaxed and friendly, and the scenery was simply stunning. The four days felt like forever and no time at all. We couldn’t recommend it highly enough. We even got to meet one of our favourite Great British Menu chefs: Hrishikesh Desai, who is the head chef there. Of course, the trip came with its own Covid restrictions, but I think we were so used to these being everywhere that they had faded into the background by then, and the world and its troubles felt a million miles away.

That sounds completely perfect. You’ve experienced the first six months of married life in a global pandemic. How has that been?

As a married couple, we’ve loved it – lots of quality time together, getting to know our local area, and finding creative ways to stay occupied (this weekend we’re turning our flat into our own boardgame café). As people in a pandemic, we’ve faced a lot of the same challenges as other people, especially living in a small, one-bed flat. For example, I’ve definitely had to tone down my projecting now I’m teaching at a screen rather than a room full of students…especially as Sophie’s trying to host meetings in the next room. I got a break from the flat when schools re-opened, but Sophie has been at home since the initial lockdown. After staring at the same walls for so long she definitely started feeling like climbing them…but she’s decided to re-paint them instead!

And finally.. what’s your advice to couples thinking about whether to go ahead with a smaller wedding?

There is no right decision, there will be positives and negatives regardless, so set yourself a cut-off point for the decision and then commit. If you decide to go for it, then allow yourself and each other to be sad when you need to be sad, and then take time to list the positives that you wouldn’t have otherwise had. Be kind to one another when you’re in different head spaces, and maybe dedicate a certain time or space to have your wedding discussions. We only talked about the wedding on our daily walk or at dinner so that it didn’t become all-consuming.
Other than that, utilise the people who want to help – just let them in and lean on them. Sometimes the best course of action is to let others help.

The best piece of advice we received was from Sophie’s Great-Aunt Dorothy, who (being in her 90s and living in Canada) wrote in her card to us: “anything that is not about your love is of no consequence”. That really put things in perspective on tough days.

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Thank you so much Phil and Sophie (and Great Aunt Dorothy) we absolutely loved hearing about and sharing in your celebrations. Congratulations from all of us at Patchwork and we wish you many more happy times as a couple. (Fingers crossed not all of them in a pandemic; even though you did do it really well).

If you’ve been inspired to set up a Patchwork to ask your friends and family to help you fund the things you really want, you can check out our wedding registry ideas and honeymoon fund templates and start dreaming and planning.

Ceremony and reception venue: Gaynes Park

Catering: Galloping Gourmet

Photographer: Owen Billcliffe Photography

Wedding film: MIKI studios

Wedding dress: Ivory & Co.

Honeymoon accommodation in The Lake District: Gilpin Hotel

Flowers: Daisy May’s Flowers

Cake: Phil and Sophie’s friend Tori. (Who doesn’t have a website but should have!)

2020 likely isn’t a year that we will look back on too fondly. But for many couples, it was the year they had looked forward to and planned for; it was going to be special – the year they celebrated their marriage. The pandemic has ripped through all of our lives in many ways, but what’s it like to have your wedding day – that most important of life’s milestones – taken from you so abruptly? We talk to three brides to find out how they navigated this strange time and created a special wedding day in 2020.

Malin and Alan

How did Covid-19 restrictions impact your wedding plans?

Fortunately for us we had planned an outdoor wedding in Sweden. So for us the only thing that changed was the number of guests.

With the travel restrictions around the world and the quarantine on people’s return most of our friends were unable to attend. Sweden has restricted the number of people in one gathering to 50 so with the guests that attended we complied with the guidelines, other that that, nothing much had to change with our planning.

What were the main challenges you faced?

The main challenge we faced was to get our Certificate of No Impediment for Alan as the offices in the U.K. were closed until end of June. So that has been the only potential spanner in the works. Luckily on the Swedish side it took less than a week to get the all clear and we received the letter on 6th August, just two days before our wedding!

How do you feel about your smaller than planned wedding?

The whole day was incredible. It was the hottest day of the year so far, we couldn’t have asked for a better day. Everything went to plan and turned out even better than we could have hoped for. We count ourselves very lucky to have been able to still go ahead with our day pretty much as we planned it. Friends all around the world joined via zoom or other media during the day and music was played live from the U.K. by Alan’s brother. Extended family who initially were invited for the evening party joined the ceremony instead and we asked those who wanted to, to bring their own chairs if they felt more comfortable keeping themselves at a distance.

The ceremony was beautiful and even my 96 year old grandmother was able to be there to share this moment with us, definitely a highlight. We had trust in the universe and knew that everything would plan out just the way it was meant to and it did.

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Zoe and Tom

Tell us a little about your wedding day and how you made it special despite the restrictions?

Tom and I finally got married on Saturday August 8th, in a very small ceremony in the village I grew up in, after being able to get a common licence from the Bishop. It was just Tom, me, our parents and siblings and my 4 year old niece as flower girl.

Our re-imagined small wedding reminded us that our marriage was really about the joining of our families. Everyone played a part (or three!). My mum and my sister and I spent the morning of our wedding day making flower crowns and bouquets. My husband’s brother organised all the music including playing and singing a song he wrote himself during the ceremony, and was also Tom’s best man, and a witness!

The village had pulled together and organised beautiful flowers for the church, petals for the flower girl, and photographs, and many of our neighbours came to watch from a safe distance!

We weren’t able to have a wedding reception because of the government rules not relaxing, so my mum made our wedding cake and hosted champagne and cake in my parents’ garden, and we had a small family dinner outside afterwards.

What did you miss most in having to change your plans?

We missed our friends, of course, but we’re hoping to be able to have a marriage blessing and a big celebration in our original location with all our friends and family, once the pandemic has passed. We decided to wear our “proper” wedding outfits for our smaller ceremony, which were black tie, so we did look rather fancy for a tiny village church in North Yorkshire!

It was quite far from our original wedding plans, which were in a chapel in my old university and a grand medieval hall with around 100 guests, but in the end it was really just as special. My advice is to go ahead with getting married even if it can’t be the perfect day you had planned – in the end, the material things did not matter so much to us.

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Emma & Gareth

What were the original plans for your wedding day?

A low key affair was something we’d both always wanted. We booked a village hall with enough space for all our friends and family, – unlicenced – so we were going to provide all the booze and give everyone a good time. For us it was about a big party with a ceilidh band and excellent playlists! We wanted to keep it simple so we didn’t create any unnecessary waste, and we didn’t have to be picky about numbers.

What made you decide to go ahead despite the restrictions?

We both just really wanted to be married to each other. Our lives have been improved exponentially with each other and we just really wanted to take that next step. The most important part of the wedding day for us was the getting married; and once the 30 people guest restriction came in, we thought there was no reason not to. The party could come after all the Covid nonsense was over and we could have the small and intimate wedding ceremony I had always wanted with just our most important family members.

What did you miss most about having a smaller wedding?

Our immediate families filled the 30 easily so we had no friends there which was a shame. Gareth is most gutted we didn’t have friends there. For me, knowing the party is coming, I was more gutted about the lack of dancing than the lack of guests. I don’t just mean because we couldn’t have the ceilidh band, but we couldn’t even turn the volume up on our playlist and have a dance due to the restrictions. That was hard, and I must admit I did break the rules a little to jig to Lizzo when she came on!

What were the best bits about having an intimate wedding?

It was nice to have a small, intimate ceremony without having to upset people. We both said that just getting around to spend time with all 30 guests was challenging enough and we don’t know how we would have worked round the original 130 guest list, it would have been exhausting so it made it more relaxed I guess.

Our venue – Matlock Imperial Rooms– were really helpful at making the day special despite the rules, they went over and above to help us and to make sure we could have as much of the original plan as possible and help us relax and enjoy it. Thanks to Super Kitchen for the fareshare buffet, it was wonderful food with great service. Also by having the fareshare buffet option, which serves food that is saved from being thrown away unnecessarily by supermarkets and manufacturers, they helped us towards our aim of a waste free wedding. All the suppliers and other services were also super helpful and flexible which really was a big help.

What advice would you give couples facing a similar dilemma?

Be honest with yourselves and each other about what the most important part of the wedding day is to you both. If you can’t get that with the restrictions you’re probably better off waiting. If you can still have the elements that are most important to you then why wait?! The ceremony for us was by far the best bit. We loved the experience of marrying each other, it was really special. It’s only your opinions that matter too, don’t let other people’s input blur what you really think.

Huge thanks and congratulations to Malin & Alan, Zoe & Tom, and Emma & Gareth from all of us at Patchwork.